Learning How to be Disliked as a People Pleaser
It’s a struggle, but it’s not impossible.
As an ENFP, I’ve spent most of my life as a people pleaser.
I grew up in a home where I always felt I needed to keep the peace, to stay in my lane, else I was a “bad” kid.
This isn’t a direct shot a lot my parents, they did the best they could the only way they knew how.
No, this is about me, about learning to be at peace with rocking the boat, with not being everyone else’s cup of tea.
If you’re anything like me, you’ve likely experienced physical, mental, and emotional discomfort when you’ve pissed someone off or hurt their feelings.
It may have shown itself as tears, an upset tummy, a headache, queasiness, mental turmoil, quickened heart rate, and so many other ways I couldn’t possibly list them all.
This likely started from a young age, with family and close friends.
I recall a particular instance where my best friend was mad at me, over something stupid no doubt. I also remember that whatever it was, wasn’t my fault, I hadn’t done anything wrong. But the stress, the anxiety, it got to me.
“How do I fix this?” I repeatedly asked myself, eager to remove these feelings.
So, I apologized. For something I didn’t do. I begged for forgiveness.
I tell you this story, and what’s absolutely insane is that 20 years later I can still FEEL the insecurity, the anxiety that this small, insignificant moment caused me.
I’m now 30, and I still struggle with upsetting people, or having others not like me.
But I’ve grown so much, and I’d like to share with you some ways in which you can learn to ease the pain that comes with disappointing someone.
Let me say before I go any further that you SHOULD care if you HAVE done has hurt someone. I shouldn’t have to say it, but there is always that one person who thinks it’s fine to forget others feelings, and I in no way endorse that kind of behavior.
First, learn that you are not your thoughts
This seems like it would be easy, right? It’s something you can control. But if your honest with yourself, chances are you beat yourself up constantly, even if it’s not in a direct way.
For example, I often find myself wondering if something I did or said upset someone. While this isn’t a direct attack on myself, like calling myself stupid, I am inadvertently bringing myself down, and for no reason other than my own need to keep the peace.
You must learn to turn off your thoughts and assumptions. You are not a mind reader, and let’s face it, how many times have you assumed someone is angry or upset with you, when it has absolutely nothing to do with you?
Exactly.
Secondly, learn that not everyone is going to agree with you, and that’s okay
We live in a world today where people pleasing and ass kissing is paramount. We are told day in and day out that if we are different, if we deviate from the norm, then we are bad.
We constantly feel the need to explain ourselves to each other, and for what reason, other than because society says that’s the norm?
Challenge yourself to make decisions and not tell anyone about them.
Wear the weird ass coat. Sing out loud while walking. Say hi to strangers.
It’s uncomfortable as shit and it will be awkward at first, but it’s a small step in learning that no matter what kind of looks you get, no matter who scoffs at you, your life and theirs keeps moving, and YOU will be happier for it.
Thirdly, disappoint someone.
This one is a doozy, and I still have a hard time handling it.
Many of us, particularly people pleasers, loathe the feeling of disappointment.
It immobilizes us to the point of illness at times, and at others it dictates our every move.
We must learn that it’s okay to disappoint someone, and that their disappointment is not yours to carry, it’s theirs.
The second you realize that their disappointment in you stems from their expectations and not your own, you become freer to live the life you’ve always wanted to.
I challenge you fellow people pleasers to try these out and see what a difference it makes for you. I’d love to hear from you in the comments, especially if you have more suggestions to add to the list.
